Raw Emotion

Emotions are the ever present 'tell' in our lives that let people know that something is affecting us for better or worse. The greatest poker players in the world have mastered the art of keeping emotion in check so as not to tip a bluff or a winning hand. As humans we tend to do our best to temper our emotions. We try to behave like Queen Elsa and 'conceal don't feel' in public so as not to give those around us a glimpse into our lives. I almost like to say that we 'cook' our emotions and only let them out once we have determined the best presentation of those emotions. Perhaps that's why when those emotions come rushing to the surface without our having the opportunity to temper or 'cook' them, we call them raw emotions.

That's where I find myself tonight. Emotions are rushing to the surface and I find myself retreating to the solace of my laptop to try to use words to process what is going on in my head right now. This is me, in the moment, being honest and transparent. Maybe this is simply therapeutic for me and not even meant to be read by others, but then again, perhaps my process on display can help someone else that is going through a struggle. Either way, here it is.

Since June of 2014 life has been a series of unfortunate events to say the least. I left my position at Crossroads on June 14, then a month and a half later Beth's father passed away. Despite my inability to find a steady job, the fall seemed to settle down a little bit as we got involved at a local church and began to make some new and dear friends. We had a wonderful Christmas with our girls despite all of the other circumstances and then Beth started her final semester towards her Bachelor's degree earlier this week.

Then tonight's phone call came. My grandfather on my mom's side is 92 and in failing health. His doctor has been with him at the nursing home all day today as he has started to refuse food and drink. Since my grandmother passed away 17 1/2 years ago he has really never been happy. The last few times I have been able to see him a large part of his dialogue with me was about how he just wants to die. His doctor has recommended that hospice be called in. I don't know if that means hours, days, weeks, or months. No one does.

Here's where it gets raw for me. I love my grandfather dearly. I do not wish to see him suffer at all. We all know that since Mamaw died that he has been miserable. Being essentially forced medically to leave his home and take up residence in a nursing home has seemingly broken his spirit. I don't resent that decision or the family members that made it as it was necessary. He couldn't take care of himself and he refused to stay with any of his family that could help him. Although in reality I don't know that any of our family was equipped to take care of him the way he needs to be cared for. However, despite all of that, I find my self asking the most selfish question to God that I can possibly ask. That question is 'How much more do I have to deal with right now?' Pretty pathetic on my part, huh? I think so, but I can't get that question out of my head.

I'll go to bed tonight and try to sleep on all of this. I'll probably wake up with a little bit clearer of a head in the morning. Why? Because when all is said and done, my head knows that none of this surprised God. He is sovereign in every situation and He will be walking through this process with me and my family.

If you read this, pray for my grandfather. Pray for my family. Pray for me.