Thankful For Memories

There has not been much sleep for me since about 2:15 AM. My phone rang. I knew before I answered what it was. We had been anticipating this phone call for a couple of days, but no amount of 'preparedness' takes away the absolute punch in the gut I felt when my dad said the words, "Pappy's gone." It's been some 7 hours since I got the call. I haven't cried yet. I have a feeling that this bottle of emotions is going to come flooding out once I get to Maryland.

Now both of my grandparents on my mom's side are gone. I am left with 35 years of memories of Pappy and I am so thankful for those memories. Since moving to South Carolina I've only been able to see Pappy at most 1 time per year. The hardest part has been with only seeing him once a year, each time I've seen him the past several year I've been able to really see the gradual deterioration of his health. Because of that, I choose to remember happier times. Here are some of my fondest memories of Vestal Yelton (Pappy).

1. Christmas Eve at Mamaw and Pappy's was a highlight for us every year. Roughly 17-20 of us crammed into their house for dinner and gift exchange. I can still here his voice as everyone would enter the house, he would let out a resounding, 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!' During the gift exchange, everyone wanted to sit in Pappy's recliner. The only way to get that seat was to convince whoever was seated there that they had a phone call (obviously pre-cell phone days). It wasn't often that someone fell for it, but when they did, it was priceless. This became the running joke year after year even though no one was falling for it (except on the occasion that one of the grandkids had a fiance or spouse that had not experienced Christmas Eve with our family). What I wouldn't give for one more Christmas Eve with the whole family there.

2. I remember walking back through the woods with Pappy to fish (although we never caught anything) in Liberty Reservoir. For me, I enjoyed throwing rocks in the reservoir more than the fishing, but I really think that it was about the time with Pappy.

3. I remember our yearly family camping trips to Granite Hill in Gettysburg. There was something unreal about watching Pappy come down their waterslide head-first on that foam mat.

4. I remember that when you would tell him you loved him, his response would without fail be, 'I do you too.' He had a hard time verbalizing love, but those of us who were fortunate enough to call him Dad or Pappy knew that he loved us.

5. Lastly, I remember all too vividly the devastated husband weeping over his wife's casket in 1997. He was never truly happy since she died and we all knew it. I am comforted in knowing that early this morning for the first time in over 17 years, he saw Carrie Yelton as he has never seen her before. More importantly than that, he saw for the first time face to face, his Savior.

I will miss him greatly, but I know that he is no longer suffering. His mind is clear and his heavenly body is perfect.

Until I see you again, I love you Pappy! And I know that you do me too. See you over there.

*BTW - here come the tears.

Finality

I can't help it. I have been thinking a lot about death lately. It seems that in my own little corner of the world, death has surrounded me lately. Since August it seems like there has been a constant thread on my social media feeds about people that I know or people that have impacted me in one way or another passing away. Here's the list.

1. Billy Latham - Beth's father passed away last August. This was the first time either of us have had to deal with losing a parent.
2. Andrae Crouch - OK, I didn't know Andrae, but as a worship pastor it is impossible not to feel the impact of his writing in the world of church music.
3. Lari Goss - Lari was a well known and respected writer and arranger in the Christian music world. I was fortunate enough during my time at Lee to participate in the recording of one of his projects 'God's Glorious Church' with the Lee University Campus Choir.
4. Andrew Thomas - Andrew was an friend of mine at Lee. He was a remarkable bass vocalist and one of the most compassionate individuals that I've ever met.
5. Madelynn Nelson - This was a little girl that we never knew but she was a cousin of one of Beth's classmates at CSU. She was battling cancer and she passed away yesterday.

With the exception of Beth's father, all of these people have passed away within the last two weeks. Then, on Thursday night I get the phone call that my 92 year old grandfather is more than likely beginning the final phase of his life here on earth. Here's a photo that was taken from what would probably be my last visit with him.

Oh, and did I mention that earlier this week Beth's grandfather was taken to the hospital because of a medication mix up that bottomed out his blood pressure and heart rate to very dangerous levels. He is now home and stable.

So this is why I have been thinking so much about death.

We often hear the word death and think about the finality of it that is portrayed in the world. The reality of it is that death while final in relation to our time on this earth, is really just the beginning of eternity for all of us. The pleasure, or lack thereof, in eternity for us depends on one simple thing. Have we accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus so willingly and selflessly provided for us through his death and resurrection. Eternity can be spent worshiping the Creator in Heaven or it can be spent in torment. The choice is ours.

Is it cliche to use the subject of death to take time and do a 'status check' on the condition of my relationship with Jesus? Probably. That being said, I would much rather be cliche and know that I'm ready to go when my time comes, than to ignore it and miss Heaven.

Raw Emotion

Emotions are the ever present 'tell' in our lives that let people know that something is affecting us for better or worse. The greatest poker players in the world have mastered the art of keeping emotion in check so as not to tip a bluff or a winning hand. As humans we tend to do our best to temper our emotions. We try to behave like Queen Elsa and 'conceal don't feel' in public so as not to give those around us a glimpse into our lives. I almost like to say that we 'cook' our emotions and only let them out once we have determined the best presentation of those emotions. Perhaps that's why when those emotions come rushing to the surface without our having the opportunity to temper or 'cook' them, we call them raw emotions.

That's where I find myself tonight. Emotions are rushing to the surface and I find myself retreating to the solace of my laptop to try to use words to process what is going on in my head right now. This is me, in the moment, being honest and transparent. Maybe this is simply therapeutic for me and not even meant to be read by others, but then again, perhaps my process on display can help someone else that is going through a struggle. Either way, here it is.

Since June of 2014 life has been a series of unfortunate events to say the least. I left my position at Crossroads on June 14, then a month and a half later Beth's father passed away. Despite my inability to find a steady job, the fall seemed to settle down a little bit as we got involved at a local church and began to make some new and dear friends. We had a wonderful Christmas with our girls despite all of the other circumstances and then Beth started her final semester towards her Bachelor's degree earlier this week.

Then tonight's phone call came. My grandfather on my mom's side is 92 and in failing health. His doctor has been with him at the nursing home all day today as he has started to refuse food and drink. Since my grandmother passed away 17 1/2 years ago he has really never been happy. The last few times I have been able to see him a large part of his dialogue with me was about how he just wants to die. His doctor has recommended that hospice be called in. I don't know if that means hours, days, weeks, or months. No one does.

Here's where it gets raw for me. I love my grandfather dearly. I do not wish to see him suffer at all. We all know that since Mamaw died that he has been miserable. Being essentially forced medically to leave his home and take up residence in a nursing home has seemingly broken his spirit. I don't resent that decision or the family members that made it as it was necessary. He couldn't take care of himself and he refused to stay with any of his family that could help him. Although in reality I don't know that any of our family was equipped to take care of him the way he needs to be cared for. However, despite all of that, I find my self asking the most selfish question to God that I can possibly ask. That question is 'How much more do I have to deal with right now?' Pretty pathetic on my part, huh? I think so, but I can't get that question out of my head.

I'll go to bed tonight and try to sleep on all of this. I'll probably wake up with a little bit clearer of a head in the morning. Why? Because when all is said and done, my head knows that none of this surprised God. He is sovereign in every situation and He will be walking through this process with me and my family.

If you read this, pray for my grandfather. Pray for my family. Pray for me.

Ever Feel Like You're Alone In A Wasteland?

The journey of our Christian lives is not a constant mountain peak experience. How cool would it be if it was? Or would it? Sometimes I think it's the trips through the valleys that allow us to more completely appreciate the joy that comes when we get those moments on top of the mountain.

Let's face it, we all experience those spiritual dry times where you feel alone, isolated, and that God has gone silent in your life. Those moments are grueling for even the most mature of Christians. What I find, though is how important it is to remind ourselves that we are never alone in these moments. Even in those valley of dry bones moments (Ezekiel 37), God is right there with us waiting for us to walk in obedience so that we can fully see His awesome power on display. Here are a few songs that speak encouragement to me in those moments. The first is one that I just heard for the first time last week and had the awesome opportunity to sing it with Crystal McCall and the rest of the worship team at Northwood. Crystal did an awesome job on it and I wish I had that recording, but it's still a great song of encouragement.

Something That Really Scares Me

There is a disturbing trend within the Western church that is scaring me. Maybe it started when 'Love Wins' by Rob Bell hit bookshelves. Maybe it was brewing underneath the surface for a time before that, and the release of the book only gave people the courage to break the surface with this trend. What is this trend? It is the increasingly more popular belief that the Bible is not to be taken literally when it comes to things like hell, punishment, or anything else that makes the hypergrace, prosperity gospel teachers uncomfortable.

Let me be the first to say that I am fully aware that there are parts of the Bible that are allegorical. The parables obviously come to mind in this matter. The thing is, when Jesus was using parables, the Bible tells us that. Why would it not clue us in on the use of allegory on an issue as important as whether or not hell is a real place? That doesn't make sense to me.

Here's my problem with the argument that we can't take the Bible literally. One simple question. Who gets to decide what is literal and what is allegorical? Many proponents of this teaching would say that the piecing together of the Bible by historical councils leaves room to say that maybe they got it wrong with determining which books to include in the cannon. If that is the case, is it not problematic to give fallible man the opportunity to decide what passages are meant to be taken literally and which are to be taken as simple allegory? It becomes, to me, a catch 22 wherein you can't have it both ways.

Maybe I'm old fashioned on this one. If that's the case, I'll wear that label proudly on this matter. To me, either the Bible is God's word or it isn't. You can't pick and choose what you want to accept and what you don't want to accept. The concept of hell doesn't sit well with hyper-grace theology. But in an effort to fit their hyper-theology mold, they ignore the theology of the justness of God. A just God can not allow sin to go on without consequence.

Why this trend scares me is that it is just one more step in undermining the authority of scripture. How this is a good thing will never make sense to me. Attempting to take away the power of God's word is not only a futile effort, it is a step in the direction of humanism where we decide what is and what is not. Christians, be on guard and watch out for this kind of deceptive teaching.

Do You Have a Crutch? I Do.

Several years ago, former WWF superstar and sitting Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura uttered the following words. "Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers." When I first heard this, my initial reaction was disgust and anger. Then I thought about it a little bit more and I came to the conclusion that I'm ok with my relationship with Jesus Christ being labeled a 'crutch.' Some of you may cringe when I say this, so let me explain.

A crutch is defined as 'a support used by an injured or disabled person...as an aid to walking.'

The first thing that we must realize is that all of us as humans are injured or disabled by sin. Our 'injury' keeps us from having a right relationship with Jesus Christ. Whether a person believes in God or not is irrelevant to this fact: all of humanity is looking for something to give them stability as they walk through life. Whatever a person chooses to use for that stability is by definition a crutch. Let's look at some of the common crutches used and see which one is the wisest option.

1. Money. How many times have we heard it said that having money can solve all of life's problems? Far too many as it is simply not true. It seems that those who are wealthy are always looking for more wealth. If money takes care of problems and makes you happy, why is a massive amount of money never enough for those who have it? Does money help when the person you love the most dies? What happens to your money if the market were to collapse? While it is certainly a viable crutch to an extent, it seems to be severely flawed at best and may buckle under the heaviest of life's circumstances.

2. Power. Having power makes you the ultimate decision maker in your life. No one else decides your course of action. It's all yours to do what you want to do with. No doubt about it power is enticing. However, to borrow a line from Spiderman, 'with great power comes great responsibility.' Having power may be enticing, but what happens when you make the wrong decision? Having all the power means shouldering the ultimate responsibility. Have you ever noticed that former presidents always seem to be much happier than the sitting president? Maybe power isn't all that.

3. Relationships. We all crave interaction with other people. The more people in our circle the higher our self esteem seems to climb. Having a social activity every night of the week provides a sense of worth to those who are desperately craving acceptance. Have you ever realized that the larger your circle, the larger the chance of getting stabbed in the back, the larger the chance that someone you love will suddenly reject you, and of course, the larger the chance that someone you love will die. I don't say this to discourage personal relationships. On the contrary, I encourage them. What is important is that you don't put too much stock in them. If people are your crutch, the crutch will collapse at some point and leave you lying on the ground struggling to get back up.

4. Jesus Christ. Name the one person in history who cared so deeply for you that they literally gave up their life for you. There is only one answer: Jesus. No matter what life throws at you, Jesus will not leave your side. Hebrews 13:5 is one of many biblical reminders that He will NEVER leave or forsake us. You see, it doesn't matter what I've done wrong, He loves me the same. Acknowledgement of His lordship and the receipt of His sacrifice grant me access to God's kingdom for all of eternity. Is Jesus my crutch? Yes, and I am proud of it.